Break Up Jokes & Stories

Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and fat and ugly?
Boyfriend: of course I do!

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When Fred proposed to his girlfriend she said, 'I love the simple things in life, Fred, but I don't want one of them for a husband.'

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A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

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A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a
fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost
everything expensive on the menu: appetizers, lobster,
champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your
Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid,
either."

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If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your
stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes
your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it
free in the first place . . . You married it.

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MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money,
they don’t generate much interest.

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
1.Compliment her, 2. cuddle her, 3. kiss her, 4. caress her, 5. love her, 6. stroke her, 7. tease her, 8. comfort
her, 9. protect her, 10. hug her, 11. hold her, 12. spend money on her, 13. wine & dine her, 14. buy things for her,
15. listen to her, 16. care for her, 17. stand by her, 18. support her, 19. go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
1.Show up naked. a). Bring beer.

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WOMAN WANTED

A tall, well-built woman with good
sense of humor, who can cook frog
legs and who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

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Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

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A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!".

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"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love?
Honey, I'm home."

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If you were my boyfriend I'd put arsenic in your tea
And if I was your boyfriend I'd drink it!